Therapy and holding "Two truths at once”

Therapy is so often about learning to hold multiple seemingly opposing ideas at once.

What does that mean and why is it important?

We often experience discomfort when something we think of as “true” bumps up against a real emotional experience we are having.

As people, we tend to seek out black and white thinking . Some examples- if a person is in this group, they are not in THAT group. If this person believes this, they are bad. If they believe that, they are good. If I feel a certain way, all other evidence to the contrary must be wrong. Of coures, the reality is often so much messier, but also so much more expansive and adaptive. So, Why do we do this?

Black and white thinking appears to help us. It steps in when experiences are particularly confusing, chaotic or difficult. It keeps us feeling safe when threats to self are hight. In our daily lives, it can have the appearance of making this often stressful life a little bit easier. When you look at it this way, it seems that it would serve us, but does it?

What happens when we get stuck in black and white and lose the ability to hold nuance? Generally, we see that black and white thinking where we tend toward seeing the world in extreme terms, “all or nothing” and a lack of nuance or complexity leads to lower compassion for self and others, relationship stress or failure, and lower rates of success and functioning out in the world. It also helps systems to control people- polarizing political parties, extremism etc.  When our thinking is challenged, it can threaten our sense of the known and bring up feelings of lacking safety or security. It can even influence the way we react to self and others when there is an opposing or nuanced view. Often we aren’t even aware that this is what is happening. Why does this matter?

Here’s the good news, we can build skill and comfort holding the “grey” which helps us to honor the true breadth of our own experiences.  We can build the muscle and broaden our tolerance for our own complicated, scary experiences which helps us to move through our daily lives with more resilience, less reactivity and more compassion for self. Ultimately this also builds our ability to respect the worlds of other people and the vast unknown experiences of other people. Why is this important? 

As a therapist in 2025, there isn’t a single client I know who isn’t grappling with some version of heartbreak and confusion about the state of the world.

So many of our identities are dealing with the sense of threat and questions about our places and safety in this world. This means that the work of the therapist is not only to help clients to live with unknown, nuanced and often terrifying truths, it is also to help our clients to begin doing so for others - even those who they may not know or naturally feel compassion for. From my perspective, the goal is not only to build a larger pool of collective compassion in the world, but also to imagine that person by person, we can and will change the fabric of the black and white systems that are so deeply entrenched and continuing to cause systemic harm. To me, this is the social justice piece of being a therapist in 2025.

If you are struggling with the confusion of trying to understand the world “out there”, or noticing the tension between your own personal beliefs about self, identity or emotions, you are not alone. Here are some real client examples from self to system of ways we often get stuck along with more nuanced ways of holding multiple truths and ideas.

• I know that breakup was the right decision AND I’m having a really hard time letting go. This must mean I made the wrong choice.

  Breakups are hard, and its normal to be feeling so many competing and even opposing feelings. My feelings don’t negate each other, they just represent the complexity of the human experience I am having.

• I feel empathy for one side in a political conflict AND I am heartbroken for the other. I don’t know where I belong or fit in.

  Empathy is not a finite resource. I do not have to justify my feelings or “take a side”, I can listen to what feels right to me without taking on the feelings or stances of other people. I can begin trying to do the same for others.

• I am ready and excited to level up at work AND I am experiencing anxiety that makes me feel stuck and unable to act.

  My anxiety is telling me all kinds of stories and shows up when something is important to me. I am excited to be growing professionally and can tend to my anxiety without letting it paralyze my progress or take over my story. My anxiety can exist alongside my success and growth.

• I do not agree with the policies of a politician and I find myself confused and uncomfortable because I support some of their ideas.

  I do not have to be defined by party, person or ideology. The world is complicated and I value the freedom of a nuanced perspective that allows me to think for myself. Maybe I don’t have to expect other people to fit into these buckets and categories either. This is uncomfortable, but might be healthier for me as an individual in this complex moment.

If you’re interested in exploring this work, start with observation. When you notice yourself at odds with self or the world out there, what can you do to create more flexibility in your stance? What do you notice when you play in this grey area? What comforts or discomforts come to the surface? With time, you may start to develop more ease with the grey, the not knowing, and even the potential freedom that comes with playing in the in-between.